Laigus Lugian tells you, “Got your bow! Nyah nyah!”
You sigh.
I’m back. It has been a hellacious long hiatus, but finally I was given leave to take a break from the home life…
Kwipette says, “What the heck is that all over your boots?”
Kwipette says, “You’ve tracked it all over the house!”
Kwipette says, “What the hell is that in my good pot? Is that mud? That better be mud!!!!”
Kwipette says, “Who left their scythe lying here? Death indeed! I don’t want to hear anymore about him!”
Kwipette says, “How the hell did you get it on the CEILING!”
Kwipette slaps you for 24 points of spousal abuse!
Kwipette says, “Out out out!!! Get out of here!”
Death says, “Awww, she didn’t even let me finish cooking dinner.”
You sigh.
But now I’m back! Back to explore the wilds of Dereth, to explore strange new lands, to seek out new monsters and bold new dungeons, to…
Laigus Lugian smites you so hard the Lifestone flinches!
Laigus Lugian giggles.
Gigas Lugian gives Laigus Lugian a high-five.
This wouldn’t be so bad, but I ran right into the damn things. I think they’ve been using camoflage, myself.
Laigus Lugian says, “Shhhh….I’m a tree.”
So now they’re all standing around my body, poking it with sharp sticks.
Laigus Lugian says, “Heh. Me smush Kwip. Me bad.”
Gigas Lugian says, “You not bad. You dumb. Drudges smash Kwip. Kwip sucks.”
Laigus Lugian says, “Me got Kwip bow. Me too bad.”
Gigas Lugian says, “Kwip bow made of styrofoam. You not bad.”
Laigus Lugian says, “Heh – me got Kwip puppet!”
Laigus Lugian picks up Corpse of Kwip.
Laigus Lugian begins dancing Corpse of Kwip around.
Laigus Lugian says in a high-pitched girly voice, “D’oh, me Kwip, me super dumb archer. Watch me take on Lugians! Oh, no, Lugians smush my head!”
Gigas Lugian laughs.
Bastards. So of course I go charging in, intent on making them pay. Any bets on what happens next?
Gigas Lugian drop-kicks you through the field goals of life.
Laigus Lugian super-flys you off the top rope.
Gigas Lugian straps a saddle to your back and rides you through the great Coral de Lifestone.
Bah. Fickle bastards. After finding my way up to 20% vitae, then back down again, I decide a visit to Uziz is in order. Haven’t been there in a while, might be nice to head back, visit the boys in the pool hall, see what’s new and exciting. A few magic words, about a thousand burnt components, and I’m back.
Looking around, I see a bunch of faces I don’t recognize. But none of them are leaping to the attack, so I figure all is relatively safe.
Death giggles.
You say, “Quiet, slut, you’ll ruin the surprise!”
Where was I…oh, yes, Uziz. So I spend some time buying this that and the other component I’m going to need, then hop up on to one of the tents to rest a bit and order my components (yes, yes, I know, stupid of me, shutup already).
Of course, no sooner do I lay down then I’ve got some little shit mage (Myers? Meyers? Mayers? Something like that…) trying to impale me with his mighty level one spells… So of course, like chud has just been dumped in the water, the rest of the low-brow feeders enter frenzy. I suddenly felt like Hicks in Aliens; my radar had lit up with blips all over the damn place, all converging on our fearless hero.
So I ran like hell. But – here comes the best part – some little melee punk gives chase, obviously decked out by some powerful friend, ’cause he had some decent items and it was obvious his punk ass sucked WAY too much to ever earn the items himself. How do I know that, you ask?
Simple. I SMOKED his ass! Heh heh heh. No, I didn’t kill him. But he couldn’t catch me. And let me tell you – after a LOOOOONG history of sucking badly and getting my ass handed to me on a regular basis, being able to outrun some little punk was more thrilling than…than…well, more thrilling than Gillian Anderson spoon-feeding me Ben & Jerry’s Chocolate Fudge Brownie. Naked.
Oh, god, what a horrible lie. Okay, so it wasn’t that thrilling. But it was still pretty damn fun. The only downside was that I couldn’t remember that guy’s name, or I would’ve been all over his chat window:
Kwip tells you, “D00D! I R0X0R3D UR W0RLD!”
Kwip tells you, “PHEAR MY 3L33T SKILLS, SLOWPOKE!”
Kwip tells you, “SLOWPOKE, YOU GIMP RUNNING BE-YATCH!”
Kwip tells you, “NEXT TIME UR CHASING ME, I’M TAKING OFF MY LEAD BOOTS!”
Kwip tells you, “MY MY MY, MR. HARE, YOU’LL NEVER BEAT THIS HERE TORTOISE!”
Hee hee hee. Everyone should have this much fun when they play. But on a more serious note, when did these suckwads move into Uziz? What the hell sort of sorry excuse for lame-ass PKers are they? What, the Little Rascals aren’t around anymore, so now any little suckwad who thinks their skills are 3L33T makes Uziz their breeding ground? Pathetic! By the Prophet Harry, I wish either some serious Anti’s would come back to Uziz, or at least some decent PKs would show up and show people how it’s done. Sure, everyone hated the Little Rascals; but it was a love-hate thing. Everyone loved to hate them. When they would raid, people actually died before they had a chance to get away – now some little doofus runs around town, and can’t even kill me, even if they get like three war spells in before I’m even on my feet? Lame ass. And a melee I can outrun? Man, how bad must you suck? It has GOT to be killing these people that Kwip, the feckless of the feckless, actually managed to not only survive an attack, but actually made it safely away from their whole mob!
PKs, as a rule, don’t bother me much. But nowadays, there are a ton of dipshit wannabe’s running around boasting about their own self-importance and more ridiculous than a room full of fake doggy poo. Kind of reminds me of the Republican National Convention…
But it’s a strange thing. Seems my “fame” has garnered me some 3L33T followers seeking to make a name for themselves by killing me. Heh – but not only do I get the usual death threats, I get some great fan mails: I recently received a fan letter (be still my swelling head!) asking me about “Death” and “Ash Gromnie” – seems some people who never played AC found my site (how, I have no idea – maybe a search of “pathetic suckwads” on Yahoo?). Anyway, they wanted to know about the players behind Death and Ash Gromnie. Heh. I told them Death was an Incarnation, visible only to Wizards, Witches, and Gimp Archers.
As for Mr. Ash Gromnie….I told them he was a nice guy, and if they join the game to look for him. If they ever see him, they should run right up and ask for money, ’cause he LOVES helping newbies…hee hee hee.
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