It is a commonly known fact that some folks “just don’t get it.” Well, commonly known, that is, except by those people themselves. How can you tell if you’re in the presence of someone who “doesn’t get it”? Well, for starters, they make the most outrageous boasts and claims, yet take them completely seriously…take, for example, this little lvl 5 bloke I came across selling his goods to another lvl 5:
Satans Servant says, “We’re having a service honoring Bael’Zharon. You can come if you want and learn about us.”
Schmoo says, “ok, thx.”
You say, “Oh oh oh! Can I come to?”
Satans Servant says, “This service is only for those who believe, Kwip.”
You say, “Cool! So I can come, right?”
Satans Servant failed to assess you!
Satans Servant says, “What lvl are you, Kwip?”
Hee hee. Obviously a big fan of mine.
You say, “Fourth”
(don’t forget, as we learned from Chun Lee, all good ninjas lie)
Satans Servant says, “No, because you are an unbeliever.”
You say, “Oh. Well, what do you believe?”
Satans Servant says, “We believe in the power of Darkness, in the coming tide of Evil,”
Satans Servant says, “that we must pay homage to our Dark Master in whatever form he takes: be it the Serpent, Satan, or Bael’Zharon.”
Kwip slaps his leg.
You say, “That’s exactly what _I_ believe!”
Satans Servant says, “I don’t believe you.”
You say, “Well, brother, it sounds as if YOU are lacking in belief. Maybe YOU shouldn’t go to this meeting.”
Now if there’s one thing I love, is people that think of themselves as “Evil” – ESPECIALLY if they’re kooky enough to really get into it. Evil Roleplayers are the flame to my moth! They are the spooon to my Ben and Jerry’s! They are…er…
Death says, “The lifestone to your ass!”
You say, “Quiet, slut!”
Anyway, they are beyond a doubt the most fun people to play with. Partly because they give me such great lines to work with:
Satans Servant says, “Kwip, what’s the wickedest thing you’ve ever done?”
You say, “Do fantasies involving Gillian Anderson and a large jar of pickles count?”
Mostly I love them ’cause they take themselves SOOOOO seriously. Of course, this just inspires ME to take them oh-so-seriously as well…
Satans Servant says, “You are an unbeliever. You can’t come.”
You say, “Schmoo, do YOU believe in all this stuff?”
Schmoo says, “i dunno – they sound kewl w/ all that killin and doin evil an stuff”
Kwip nods vigorously.
You say, “Yeah, yeah – I’m down with ALL that schizit!!! Word to your devil bible!”
You say, “And see, Servant – Schmoo’s not a Believer, but you’re letting him go!”
Kwip pouts.
Satans Servant says, “Alright, christ, stop crying about it”
Kwip screams.
You say, “Blasphemer!!!!”
You gore Satans Servant for 16 points of damage!
Satans Servant says, “WTF man!!!! You quit before I kill you!”
You say, “whoops, sorry, my mistake. Just got a little excited there.”
You heal Satans Servant for 13 points.
You say, “By Stans power I heal you!”
Satans Servant says, “You mean Satan”
You say, “Yeah, that’s right Satan, you one mean mofo!”
Satans Servant says, “No, I meant you meant to say ‘by Satans power I heal you!’, not ‘Stans power’.”
You say, “Oh. Well, I dunno about that. Stans a powerful mofo, too.”
Schmoo says, “whos stan?”
You say, “Eh?”
Schmoo says, “whos this stan guy?”
You say, “What are you talking about? Stay off the drugs, son. Servant, you’d best watch this fella Schmoo; looks pretty odd to me.”
Satans Servant says, “Enough already, shut up. If you want to come, then you better be quiet from now on.”
You say, “Yeah, anyway Schmoo. Satans Servant and I are getting pretty tired of your pissy non-stop bitching.”
Schmoo says, “?”
You say, “He spoke! He spoke again!!!!”
Satans Servant says, “No, Kwip I was talking to you!”
You gore Schmoo for 18 points!
Satans Servant says, “stop”
You smite Schmoo mightily!
You say, “Ah-ha, take that, Unbeliever!”
You evade Satans Servant!
You evade Satans Servant!
You say, “What’s this?”
You evade Satans Servant!
You evade Satans Servant!
You say, “Oh, no! Satans Servant, you are an Unbeliever, also!”
You evade Satans Servant!
Satans Servant says, “You’re going down, asshole”
You evade Satans Servant!
You evade Satans Servant!
You say, “Well, not anytime soon, Unbeliever. Do you see how the power of my belief gives me strength!”
You evade Satans Servant!
You evade Satans Servant!
At this point, Satans Servant apparently ran out of stamina. Hee hee. Now, a lesser man, weakened by the power of his weak faith, might have let Satans Servant live. But not me! I saw my duty clear! Destory the Unbeliever!
You gore Satans Servant for 23 points!
You evade Satans Servant!
You evade Satans Servant!
You smite Satans Servant mightily!
And then the bastard unbeliever didn’t even have any good loot on him! Honestly, how many bad guys do you know that don’t carry around at least SOME phat lewt! I mean, Al Pacino was all down with being the devil – I bet at any given time he had WAY more than 8 gold pieces and a crummy dagger on him! Pathetic!
Satans Servant tells you, “You’re dead, asshole!”
Satans Servant tells you, “My coven is going to hunt you down!”
You tell Satans Servant, “Coven? Ain’t that for witches?”
Satans Servant tells you, “We won’t stop EVER! We’re camping your lifestone!”
You tell Satans Servant, “Ewww! Covens! Not only are you a suck Unbeliever, but you’re a GIRLY-GIRL, too!”
Satans Servant tells you, “I’ll eat your heart myself! You’ll pray for me to kill you!”
You tell Satans Servant, “Promises, promises….”
Satans Servant tells you, “I will bring down all the forces of Darkness upon you!”
You tell Satans Servant, “What, both of you?”
Satans Servant tells you, “Dead, man, totally dead.”
You tell Satans Servant, “TMO?”
Satans Servant tells you, “What?”
You tell Satans Servant, “Never mind. Bastard Unbeliever.”
Now this was getting boring. He was fun while he lasted, but threats on my life are about as exciting as an empty pint of Ben and Jerrys. But then inspiration struck me:
You tell Satans Servant, “Hey, do you guys sacrifice virgins?”
Satans Servant tells you, “I’ll sacrifice you, asswipe!”
You tell Satans Servant, “Oh. Well. Only, there’s this virgin I know, name of Isten, that is always looking for ways to help…”
You tell Satans Servant, “thought this might be a good chance for him. Well, never mind.”
Isten tells you, “I heard that, bastard.”
Comments are closed.
