Cut It Out, Freakos…

Posted November 21st, 2000 under AC1.

I would’ve written more, but I was busy O\/\/|\|-ing some Iron Golems!!!! Hell, yeah I’m bad! Skillz like this deserve an announcement!

You say, “Attention Uziz! I would like to make an announcement!”

Trai dissolves you for 45 points!

You say, “Ouch! Sonofabitchquititthathurts!”

You say, “As I was saying: I will no longer be considered to suck!”

Your last strength dissolves before Trai!

Because you completely SUCK, you’ve been granted a respite because you SUCK so SUCKILY bad! Suckwad!

You’ve lost a sucky bow, some sucky jewelry, a completely SUCK shirt, and your underwear. Jerk.

I’ve definitely noticed a change in the game since I spoke out against Microsoft, I must admit….

The weird thing now for people to do to me is to pledge to me. Before it was just throw their panties at me, but now pledging is in order. Anywhere, anytime.

You say, “Nyah nyah, can’t catch me!”

Thug nicks you for 4 points of damage.

You say, “Okay, so THAT time you caught me, but it was crappy damage. Girl.”

You evaded Thug!

Jak O Shadows swears his loyalty to you!

You evaded Thug!

You say, “Wait a sec, what the hell was that?”

Thug smites you so hard the lifestone flinches!

You sigh.

And that’s not the worst part of it: the worst part is these snot-nosed new vassals that get all confused and PK me BEFORE they pledge to me, thus denying me the almighty xp I should be getting (yes, Kampahn and Warlokk, I’m looking at you two!). Some people’s PKs, I’ll tell ya.

But apparently, my new-found status of being a monarch is confusing the hell out of people. I routinely return to Uziz, only to encounter more surprises then the time I typed “evil hypocritical nazi bastard” into a search engine and five seconds later a campaign supporter for George W. Bush called me. But I digress…

So-and-So tells you, “need a patron”

You tell So-and-So, “lol”

See, this used to be funny the first twenty times someone said it to me. Now I just humor them. But it turns out this was for real…

So-and-So tells you, “4 real, need a patron?”

You tell So-and-So, “No, go away.”

Jim Bob tells you, “hey neede a patron?”

Jim Bob tells you, “im good 2 archrs”

Billy Bob tells you, “yo, want a patron”

You say, “What the hell…have I been gone that long?”

You say, “HELLO UZIZ. MY NAME IS KWIP. I DO NOT, I REPEAT, DO _NOT_ NEED A PATRON. SO SOD OFF. GOT IT?”

So-and-So tells you, “lol – seriusly, need a patron?”

You sigh.

I think it’s a concentrated effort to drive me insane, personally. It used to be the mid-level gimps just looking to expand their xp whoring brat packs. But now that I’m an almighty Monarch, I believe it’s those nice little numbers appearing that are making the higher levels (well, like 30-40; I mean, I’m still Kwip, and even some prehistoric man who can’t even speak will sit down in front of a computer after taking time out of his busy schedule of rubbing two sticks together to grunt “Ugh Ugh Ugh,” which, roughly translated, means “Man, Kwip sucks – what the hell kind of template did he use?”) take a look at me and say, “Oh, now THAT’s the kind of person I want under me! He’s… well, he’s… he’s got vassals! Hey, I wonder if I could stop the blender with my tongue?”

So, to summarize:

No, I do not want a patron.
Yes, you are funny, ha ha, I’ve never heard THAT joke before.
No, you cannot write a column for me.
I’ll update my site when bastards like you leave me alone, piss off.
Yes, I’m still that low of a level.
No, you cannot pledge to me, you don’t know how to spell. Go read my rules.
Yes, I’m getting your tells, but considering I’m still in the tunnel to enter the damn world, I don’t feel like replying to you until I’ve ground up some brown beans and mixed them with my milk (and when the hell is Dereth gonna get coffee beans, anyway? Someone call Starbucks!).
No, I am not Warchild’s illegitimate father.
No, I’m not his mother either, bastard.
Yes, I’m still dying.
Yes, a lot.
No, I will not come hunt with you.
Because you scare me.
No, I don’t give a damn if Isaac pk’d you, you probably deserved it. Well, shopping is offensive in some cultures, now stop whining.