Whooo-hooo! So Turbine needs some new content developers, eh? Well, I am DEFINITELY all over that. I mean, let’s face it: whose dungeon would you rather go through, some limp-wristed nancy boy that wants you to take on a pack of snarling Virindi to further the ongoing plot and all that nonsense; or would you rather bravely face down a horde of killer cows just to get some cool-ass pants? Exactly! Not even a close contest.
I wonder how much phat lewt they’ll offer me to work there? I’m considering having my agent put a clause in my contract that insists they provide me with a pint of Ben & Jerry’s a day, as well as hourly back massages from Gillian Anderson. Hrmm…think that’s too steep? Well, okay, maybe I’ll settle for women that look LIKE Gillian Anderson giving me backrubs…sheesh. This overflow of IT professionals really has us lowering our standards, doesn’t it?
Death says, “Kwip, you know there’s one question that’s going to be on everyone’s minds…”
You say, “Ah, yes: let me assure you, I had NO idea that the midget in question was in fact a minor, nor in fact that they were actually a sheep.”
You say, “I merely thought this was some sort of ‘hazing’ ceremony put upon me by…”
Death says, “Ewww, no you sick bastard, the OTHER question!”
You say, “Oh, right right – why didn’t I submit my ideas to the contest?”
Death says, “Yeah, that one. Sheesh.”
Okay, truth be told, I thought that the content contest was cool and all, I was just…ermm…kidnapped by rabid drudges that insisted I teach them how to dance so they can better score at the Monster Balls! And they didn’t let me out till just now!
Alright, that’s such a lame lie you’d think I was campaigning for President. Truth is, I didn’t enter the contest because I wasn’t impressed with the prizes. Hey, if I’m going to reveal my “Secret Quest for the Great and Powerful Bovinenatross Pants,” it’s not going to be for a free subscription! I want offers of stardom! Statues in my honor! Towns named after me! Oh, and I wanna carve my name in the landscape, too!
But I’m telling you: the most overlooked foe in this world is the cow. Oh, sure, laugh if you want. But they’re out there. They sneak into our towns at night. They sit around the middle of the town, unmolested except for the occasional Kwipling, jotting down notes and observing our defenses. Think I’m paranoid? One word: Chicago. Yeah, think that great fire was an accident? You’ve obviously fallen victim to their propoganda… If I’m made a Content Developer, there will be a war against these vile creatures! You all think that the Arwic crater was left by the Shadow Spires? Fools! What is in the middle of that crater?!? That’s right – a COW! Ha! Sure, he was killed by the impact – THIS time. But just wait until they get their jump skill high enough! Then they’ll be pelting the hell out of our towns with no loss to themselves! But it’s not too late – help defend Dereth! Eat a steak today!
Now come on, with a build up like that, how can you NOT want me to develop new dungeons and storylines for you?
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