Mad Cow disease my keister! Sure, everyone used to laugh at me for talking about the cows and their schemes to destroy us all… I bet this poor goombah’s not laughing!
That’s right, be-yatches, those cows tore this guy a new udder! Let me just quote a couple of my favorite lines from this article: “when the Jersey cows spotted him”. Heh – okay, first off, that state doesn’t suck bad enough, now the cows they export are hooligans, too? This isn’t foot and hoof disease, this is hoof and ass disease – as in, their hoofs in your ass! But better yet, the cows ‘spotted’ him. Heh – is that like a scene from a bad teenage gang movie, when the good kid’s just strolling along, minding his own business, and suddenly the bad gang ‘spots’ him, then proceeds to trot over and kick the living snot out of him, all the while chanting about him not being bad enough nor tough enough… who’s choreographing these cows, the guy from West Side Story?
“There were calves in the field, so I think the cows were being protective” – yeah, right. THEY’RE COWS! You know, the same animals that we take their calves and lock them in tiny little cages with no light so we can have the yum-yum taste of veal? Where the hell are these cow commandos when that’s going on? No wonder everyone opposes steroid treatments on cows, these guys just kicked the hell out of someone – can you imagine if they were on ‘roids? The paramedics would have arrived to see this poor bastard on a spit whilst a group of cows kept dousing him with beer and the girly cows played volleyball in the background.
“We called in the police helicopter, and when it arrived all the cows came over to see what was going on” – yeah, look who’s playing innocent now. As if those bovine bastiches didn’t know what that copter was there for. “Doo-dee-doo-dee-doo, just strolling by, officer, chewing our cud, don’t mind us. Oh, it looks like that person there had a nasty fall! Terrible gopher holes in these fields, aren’t they? Bet he’ll be more careful next time HE WANTS TO HAVE A BEEF BARBEQUE, YOU SONOFABITCH! THIS WAS JUST A WARNING! NEXT TIME YOU POP BY PONDEROSA FOR A YUMMY STEAK, YOU BETTER REMEMBER THIS! Ahem. Oh, sorry officer, I meant… Mooo”
I’m telling you, if I was this Hine guy, the first thing I’d do (after getting out of the ER, of course), is march right down to the local grocery store, buy every steak they’ve got in the joint, and have a cookout the likes of which has never been seen since wooly mammoths walked the earth… Can you imagine the next time some vegan asshole gives this guy a hard time about eating defenseless animals? I’d beat the shit out of them with a raw steak, I would.
Of course, if I was friends with this guy, I’d NEVER let him live this down. “Hey John, we’re going out for burgers…oh, sorry man, didn’t mean to give you flashbacks, there.” “Hey John, lookout! That steak tar-tar’s coming for you!” “John, next time you see some cows heading for you, just keep on moooooooving!”
And what I want to know is, how slow does it have to be in a newsroom before you send out a reporter to cover the story of some yahoo getting his butt handed to him by some bovines? “Well, let’s see, we’ve only got two reporters for this shift… let’s see what’s going on in the world… another terrorist attack… hrmmm… political scandal involving the Queen Mother and some nuns… murderous rampage in a classroom… wait a sec… Cow attacks? Holy shit! Stop the presses! Clark! Take Jimmy Olsen and get me the story about these cows!
So go ahead, keep laughing at my cow armor and my battles against the dark cow army… you better just pray that next time you’re crossing a deserted pasture and some Jersey’s spot you that there are some Kwiplings nearby to hear your call for help. Otherwise, you’ll be just another number for these four-legged thugs…
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