NeenerNeener.Net

Look, let’s get one thing straight: I suck. LORDY, how I suck. Two days ago, I got killed by a LEVEL THREE MACRO’ER AT A LIFESTONE. I’m not making this up – I was screwing around doing something, and when I decided to do something about this little rib-tickling bastard, I spend the next five minutes arguing with myself about weapon to use to smite the little bastard. I finally decided on one, and by the time I got it out of my pocket and equipped, I was dead.

Yup, I suck THAT bad.

BUT…

Wanna take one guess who sucks WORSE than me? No one, you say? Impossible, you say? Well, let me set the stage for you: my loyal vassal Kampahn and I were running around to equip my new mule, who is gonna in turn equip my new mage, so that…ah, screw it, you get the idea. So I get loaded up on all the supplies I need, then hand them over to Kamp to hold for my new mule. I log off, bring in my new mule.

Little sidetrack here: my new mule’s name is “You want”. I don’t know who the hell first posted the story about their character “You have” (if you’ve never read it, go search on the AC Vault boards), but that was the inspiration for this little devil. Mostly I just ran around with him, emoting like thus:

You want a punch in the mouth?
You want to start some shit?
You want a cookie?
You want to make wild passionate sex with Kwip?
You want to come over here and say that, assface?

Good clean fun! But then… DUM DEE DUM (gotta get a soundtrack)… as I’m standing there in all my level 1 splendor, a Blood arrives on the scene! But not just any Blood – this was the man, the myth, the legend – well, okay, it was just Dark-Plague. Never heard of him before, didn’t know squat about him, and really didn’t care. Id’d him, saw he was a level 42 Blood. Which meant…

Dark-Plague smites Kampahn mightily!

Well, poop. So much for getting anything done today. Guess I have no option but to log Kwip on and get some more vitae. So I do (Kwip happened to be logged off right at this spot, conveniently enough). I shimmer in to existance, and see him standing on top of the advocate tower. So I pop an arrow at him, lightning, to be exact, knowing that I’m pretty much screwed. I can’t take people half my level, let alone someone 11 levels above me…

You spark Dark-Plague for 6 points of damage!

Wow, I actually hit! And caused damage! Woah! I might actually get to…

Dark-Plague casts Fire Vulnerability IV on you!

Ah, well, there you go. It was fun while it lasted, but looks like he’s got his act together now. Nothing left but for him to whip out a fire weapon and hand me my ass.

But – surprise, surprise, and no one was more surprised than I – instead he tries to hit me. With War Magic. While standing in the middle of the top of the Advocate tower – I suppose to hide from my arrows.

Let’s just do a bit of physics here, okay (just a tiny bit, I promise): War magic, warm fuzzy stuff that it is, travels in a straight line. So if there’s, say, a three foot high wall between you and the person 20 feet below you, odds are good that it’s going to hit the wall. Yes, even if you try it three times in a row, Dark-Plague. A++ for effort, though. HOWEVER – and here’s the really tricky part – ARROWS, launched from a bow, will not travel in a straight line. In fact, they will arch up, curve over the wall, and then land.

On your head.

You blister Dark-Plague for 9 points of damage! (Yeah, I switched to acid at this point. Wish I had Greaters, though!)
You blister Dark-Plague for 9 points of damage!
You blister Dark-Plague for 16 points of damage!

Whoo-hoo-hoo. At this point, it’s just plain silly. He is now running around ground level, trying to hit me with war spells – which, being the 3L33T bug exploiting haxor that I am, I move aside for (funny how that works, huh?). But Dark suddenly gets it in his head to charge me! That’ll fix me!

So, brandishing his trusty acid katar (remember, he vuln’d me for fire – I only say this because he obviously forgot, so I want to help the other mentally challanged that are out there stay with the rest of us), he charges me and commences swinging.

Finally, I think. Now it’s going to end.

Wanna guess what happens next? Here’s some important info to help the story be even more funny:

1. Most importantly, I’m Kwip. I REALLY suxors at PvP. I can’t fight my way out of a wet paper bag.
2. While it is true that I do have a 110% comp bow, I do not have a high enough bow skill to actually use the enchantments on it, so I have to cast my own.
3. None of which I had cast on the bow at this point.
4. I suck. Did I mention that before?
5. I’m wearing a robe. An unbuffed robe. While I do have Armor IV on, I also am at 117% burden.
6. I have never ever won against someone my level. Not even close. Not even someone near my level.
7. I have 18% vitae. From a couple of Bloods, ironically enough.
8. In the middle of a fight, I will often stop to laugh out loud, make jokes, etc – all too add to the mood, but which usually result in my death much, much sooner.
9. No, I REALLY suck. Really. Ask around.

So, now that we have that settled, want to guess what happens next?

You evade Dark-Plague!
You evade Dark-Plague!
You evade Dark-Plague!
You evade Dark-Plague!
You evade Dark-Plague!

Yes, that many times. At least. No, I’m not lying. I wouldn’t shit you, you’re my favorite turd! I – Me, Kwip, the eversuck, DODGED someone – not once, not twice, but MANY MANY times! And hit them back! Hard!

So, after flailing his purse at me like the nancy boy he is, Dark has had to much. He fled. Take a look:

I know, I couldn’t believe it myself! And take a look at my health – I’m down about FOUR points! Mwuah-ha-ha-ha!!!

Now don’t get me wrong; I know I suck. I know that most people would mow through me without a second thought – buffed or unbuffed. But Dark, YOU SUCK. You can say whatever you want. You can buff and come kick my ass till my credit is no good at the neighborhood Lifestones. You can pull my pants down, smack my ass, and call me Suzy – BUT I MADE YOU RECALL AWAY FROM ME. I don’t give a shit what your justification was, how bad you were hurting, where you left all your ‘good’ weapons – YOU GOT YOUR ASS O\/\/|\|3D BY KWIP. Let the teasing now commence. Feel free to send him a tell on my behalf!

The sad thing is, it will never matter how many rematches we have, how you strip naked and beat me with nothing but your fists from now on – none of that. Because I OWNED Joo! Hee hee hee! Please – tell me again how I’m weak? Weeeeeee!

Sometimes life is good.

Oh, and special note here: I have absolutely nothing against Blood. They kill me just fine and just as regular as anyone else. I only mention his guild to show some irony. I’ve met several of them, and like I’ve said many, many times – I judge by actions, not label. I may attack because of your label, but that’s nothing personal…