Attack of the Ewoks!

Posted May 28th, 2002 under SWG.

I had a dream. I dreamed of sneaking up behind an imperial storm trooper, and cutting off his ankles with my mighty Ewok Dark Jedi Master. I had a dream of tripping every wookiee in the galaxy. I even dreamed of looking Yoda in the eye without having to pick him up.

That dream has been crushed.

The makers of Star Wars Galaxies have spoken. There shall be no Ewoks in Star Wars Galaxies.

This is, for lack of a better word, a god damn travesty.

No Ewoks? Star Wars, with no Ewoks?? If it weren’t for Ewoks, where would the rebels be now? Dead, that’s where. Without the Ewoks, Leah, Han Solo, and the rest of them would have fallen at the hands of the Empire.

Ewoks allowed them the precious time they needed to bust into the compound and do right what once went wrong. Or something like that.

My friends, this is not what Luke would have wanted.

Now, I know that many people hated the Ewoks. They screamed that they were the dumbest thing to have ever happened to Star Wars.

I have only one thing to say to these people. “Meesa Jar Jar Binks!”

Thankfully, Sony Online Entertainment has decided that the Gungan will also not be a playable race. They will however be an NPC race. I can only pray that they’ll be a killable NPC race.

And if I had my Jedi Ewok, I’d make it a point to hunt down each and every single Gungan in the universe and bust out their kneecaps.

I’d strike in the night. I’d chop off their toes, and skin their shins. Jar Jar would know true fear. They’d whisper my name, and shiver from the sound of it.

All would learn to fear Yub Yub the Dread.

But noooooooooooooooooo. Sony decided that Ewoks weren’t important enough to be a playable race.

According to the Star Wars Galaxies FAQ page:

3.18 Why are Jawas not a playable species?

With very few EU exceptions, we’ve never really seen Jawas away from Tatooine, so it would be disconcerting to see large numbers of them on other worlds. Also, we simply couldn’t make every species playable. We selected eight because that was an achievable number that still offered great variety. None of this prevents us from including Jawas as playable later, though, if the demand is there.

The same could be applied to Ewoks, I imagine, but personally, I don’t care.

Let me be an Ewok.

If you want to stay true to the movie lore, fine. I don’t care. I’ll stay on Endor. I’ll live there through the entire game.

I’ll build the biggest, baddest tree village the galaxy has ever seen! And I’d have booby traps everywhere! Storm Troopers would cry at the mere thought of going to Endor! Big swinging trees on ropes, slingshots armed with rocks, trip lines for speeder bikes… You name it, I’d have it! Even the Emperor himself wouldn’t dare visit MY moon! His fancy schmancy Jedi lightning ain’t gonna help him much against a tree trunk to the face!

Boo-ya!

Also taken from the Star Wars Galaxies FAQ:

3.20 If I customize my character to be fat or thin, will it adversely affect my abilities or gameplay?

No, visual customization of your character during creation will not affect you statistics or hinder your gameplay.

Can I make him short, stubby, and covered in fur with a tattered cloak?

Then who cares?

3.22 Can male characters grow beards?

You can select facial hair as part of the character customization process. Beards won’t “grow” over time, though.

Will the beard make me look like an Ewok? No?

Then who cares?

3.26 Will we be able to write bios for our characters?

Yes, you’ll be able to compose a short backstory for your character, if you wish. You can display the bio to other characters if you feel so inclined.

“Yub Yub was rather tall for an Ewok. He’d been in a terrible accident when he was a child, and was burned across his entire body, preventing hair from ever growing there again. People often mistook him for a human, since he ISN’T ALLOWED TO PLAY AS AN EWOK!”

4.23 Will SWG have skills for taming and training creatures?

Yes, we have designed a range of skills in the Creature Handling profession that allow players to tame, control, train and care for their creatures. Every creature has its own properties in each of these categories and as a result some will be more or less difficult to handle than others. A successful animal handler will discover the most desirable creatures that also have the best handling traits.

I’m so getting me a pet Ewok. In fact, I’ll get two. Then I’ll stuff the fuckers full of viagra and breed a billion little Ewoks and drop em off all across the universe. Then I’ll enroll them all in school so they can learn to build tie fighters and light sabers and anything else they wanted, and then Sony Online Entertainment can’t tell me anymore that Ewoks aren’t smart enough to get off the planet!!!

3.31 Can I do things like hug, kiss, and dance in the game?

Yes, there will be lots of animated emotes.

That would come in really handy when you’re partying down with your fellow Ewoks in their treetop village during their big party.

Oh… wait, no… guess we won’t be able to do that…

3.32 Are you planning to include “badges”?

Yes, players can earn “badges” for various achievements in the game. Players can also choose which badges they display to other players. Some example badges include: Missions Completed; Bounties Collected; Areas Explored; NPCs Killed; Items Sold; and Resources Discovered. We’ll also have some “out of character” badges, such as: “Months Subscribed” and “Total Game Time.” Finally, if we can, we’d love to support some player-granted badges, such as “Best Role-Player” and a “Badge of Self-Sacrifice.”

“Best Immitation Ewok. Since You Can’t Actually BE An Ewok.”

3.34 Can Twi’leks decide how to “lay” their lekku?

Yes, during character creation you can pick a head tail style.

Gay.

4.03 Will I be able to become a stormtrooper?

Unfortunately, the constraints of the Imperial hierarchy prohibit us from allowing players to actually become stormtroopers in the initial launch product. Service in the Empire would be very difficult to enforce; if we did allow stormtroopers, players would constantly be AWOL as they explored other aspects of the game. Rest assured, however, that players will be able to serve the Empire in many other ways.

Imagine how cool it would be to see an Ewok Storm Trooper.

Not that it matters. No Ewoks. No Storm Troopers.

4.17 Is there going to be an apprentice system in the game?

Yes. In fact, some professions will even require that players train an apprentice in lower-tier skills before progressing in certain higher-tier skills. We’re using this system to encourage interaction between experienced and novice players. We also hope that it will foster long-lasting relationships between players, strengthening the community.

Now THIS is a good idea. See, now I could have Jedi’s come visit Endor and teach my little Yub Yub the ancient arts of space travel.

Obviously, Sony Online Entertainment hates Ewoks.

I mean, they made the damned Bothan a playable race, but not the Ewoks. The Bothan weren’t even IN the movies.

And Wookiees? Psh. Cheap ewok ripoffs. How’s a Wookiee supposed to sneak up on anyone? They’re too big. And in a laserblaster fight, they’re a HUGE target.

Besides, how’s a Wookiee supposed to use the Jedi Mind trick on anyone?