Doo dee doo, so after a rather sad farewell, don’t I jump right back where I left off to soak up more attention…
I TOLD you guys I wasn’t quitting. Just ’cause I’m not writing at WCoD don’t mean I’m not gonna be roxoring some lifestones here, buddy. But just when I think that people have FINALLY understood the danger I pose to my fellow Derethians, I get things like this happening:
Alakaii tells you, “Hey dude. What’re you up to?”
You tell Alakaii, “GAAAAH! Um, dying. What else?”
Alakaii tells you, “LOL. Wanna go do something?
You tell Alakaii, “Sure. So long as it doesn’t involve me taking candy from you…”
Huh. Well, someone wants to adventure with me. That should be fun.
Death says, “For whom? You’re going to get them killed, you realize?”
You say, “Oh no I’m not! This time I’ll be CAREFUL!”
Death raises an eyebrow.
You say, “Quit that! You don’t have eyebrows!”
Death raises a skullbone.
You say, “Err…never mind, that’s gross. Go back to raising an eyebrow…”
Hey man, HOW MANY TIMES have I written about disaster befalling any party I join up with? It’s not MY fault if people think that I’m kidding, right?
Death raises a skullbone.
You say, “Dammit, I thought I told you to stop that…”
So here’s this kid, Alakaii, all convinced that because he’s lvl 77 to my lvl 22nd, he’s going to be able to keep me alive. Well, it certainly SOUNDS viable, right? I mean, come on, he’s more than triple my level! If you’re grouped with someone that’s TRIPLE your level, it should be impossible to die.
Death says, “Is that a challenge? Are you calling me out?”
Sigh. Look, it wasn’t MY idea, okay? I went into the group of Hollow Minions JUST to see what they were up to! How was I supposed to know they would attack us? It’s not MY fault he followed me, right?
Kwip says, “Alakaii, I’d like you to meet a friend of mine.”
Alakaii says, “What the hell was that? How did I die? That… that’s impossible…”
Death says, “Oh no, I assure you, it was QUITE possible.”
It’s always so embarrassing. Some poor, dissillusioned soul thinks they’re capable of helping me, and what happens?
Death says, “WE PAR-TAY!”
You say, “Quiet, slut!”
But then it gets worse. Well, no, it just gets disgusting. Have you been to these Marketplaces? There’s no chickens! C’mon, I’ve seen like every single fantasy movie out there. From Dungeons & Dragons to actual GOOD fantasy movies (Conan – the first one, not that crap sequel), EVERY MARKET HAS CHICKENS RUNNING AROUND.
Okay, I’m willing to forgive that, alright? I understand that this is a new setup, maybe the chickens still haven’t come out of whatever hidey hole they’ve been in. So I’m taking in the sites, all gracious-like, and what do I come across…
A zombie.
Oh ho ho – not just any zombie! A zombie VENDOR! And do you know what he was selling, boys and girls? Any idea what this decaying pile of flesh, complete with squirming bits falling off of him and real smell-o-matic odor?
HE WAS SELLING FOOD!
What the HELL goes through people’s minds when they hire these guys? I mean, honestly, don’t get me wrong – I’m ALL FOR equal opportunity. But we’re talking about FOOOOOOOD. What were you thinking? This isn’t someone from a foreign land that maybe uses a bit too much hot pepper in their cooking! This is something that CRAWLED OUT OF A PERFECTLY GOOD GRAVE! And they didn’t bring their entire selves along, either! There’s half their body back down there!
This is a creature that has bits dripping off of them! And you’re going to hire them as a short-order cook? HELLO! Do you have any idea what the Derethian Board of Health would DO to you if they caught you doing this? And never mind that – who the heck buys FOOD from a ZOMBIE! I don’t care if the guys got a BILLION points in cooking! HE’S A ZOMBIE! There’s pieces dripping off of him! Aaaaaaaaaaaaargh!
It really wouldn’t have been so bad if it weren’t for the fact that Alakaii chose that moment to stand next to me. Hey dude, I’m sorry about your sollerets, okay? I TOLD you it wasn’t my fault! I offered to get them cleaned for you!
Although at this market, I shoulda just offered them up as a new exciting entree…
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